Hi, how are you doing? Good? That’s nice. But I don’t really care. You see, if you were an outside observer, such as one of those Martians who seem bent on conquering all such hypothetical situations in the known galaxy, you might think that I was expressing concern for your well being. As anyone who has lived in our society long enough to learn how to speak has come to realize, however, is that “How are you doing?� is not in fact a question. It is a greeting. Or at worst, a pick-up line for people who spend their days watching re-reruns of Friends, the show that proved that it is indeed possible to be about-nothing-er than Seinfeld.

So why do we so regularly ask a question to which we have no interest in what the answer is? Our society has long held the appearance of compassion as one of its highest virtues. After all, Jesus himself said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.� So for a society where Christians make up the vast majority of people, that part is kind of hard to get around. Trust me. We’ve tried. But most people, not being the only son of our Lord who was conceived of the Holy Spirit and ascended into Heaven where He sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty, whence He shall come to judge the living and the dead, don’t give a fuck—not even one of the airborne variety—about how people who are not themselves are doing. So they needed a way to make it look like they do care. Otherwise, they would be hypocrites.

And so man developed the social contract that is “How are you doing?� The idea is that I’ll feign interest in how you feel, and you’ll in turn lie about how you’re really doing in order to help me feel better about myself for having asked the question. Acceptable answers include, “pretty good,� “fine,� “alright,� “not bad,� or any other non-negative derivative thereof. Any answer that consists of more than three words or describes a negative affective state is unacceptable. Sure, you may want to talk to somebody about feeling bad, but this isn’t about you. It’s about helping me enhance my ego. And negative feelings are a downer. Even a response as seemingly non-threatening as, “I’ve been better,� could be disastrous, as it opens the door to dreaded conversation.

Punishment against offenders can be swift and severe. Those who dare speak of how they actually feel are met with such penalties as the disinterested stare, the awkward silence, or even, “I actually have this thing…soooo, I’ve got to get going.�

With a society that incorporates this level of something that looks sorta like compassion directly into the most basic aspects of its everyday language, it is almost difficult to believe that so many people grow to be emotionally closed off or disconnected from those around them. It is almost as though they are receiving some manner of regular behavioral conditioning that teaches them to keep their feelings to themselves. But that’s just crazy talk.

So to those who find themselves in need of someone to talk to, let me end simply by saying that we’re here for you…unless what you have to say makes us feel uncomfortable. After all, I believe it was Saint Paul who once said, “Better you than me, suckah!�