Our Big, Fat Animist Wedding
by Jason GodeskyOur shiny new lives are finally up and running. The new apartment is still littered with boxes, the new Civic still needs to have real floor mats to replace those paper things the dealer always leaves you with, Jason’s PC is still in pieces, Giuli’s PC isn’t hooked up to the network yet, but all around, it’s done. We’re married, moved, and even got a brand new car! We finally have internet access at our new apartment, so we’re back to the blog, and how else could we possibly start, except by telling you how it went?
We were officially engaged for about eight months, from the day the engagement/wedding rings arrived from GreenKarat to the wedding itself. We didn’t choose a date—or a location—until six months into the engagement. That was when we went up to Poughkeepsie, scoped out the Unitarian Univeralist church where Giuli was practically raised, and decided to use it for both the ceremony and the reception. We picked the back porch for the ceremony, and the large octagonal room where Sunday service is usually held, for the reception. We gave ourselves two months to plan the actual wedding itself. Surprising as it may sound, especially given the usual assumption that it takes a year—or, lately, two—to plan a wedding, this wasn’t a completely disastrous idea.
The wedding was decidedly casual, at least in terms of the material factors. The location wasn’t particularly fancy, and it was free because Giuli’s mother was a member. Giuli’s dress was not a “wedding gown,” but a dress that happened to come in white. (And was on clearance at Magical Omaha for only $55.99—score!) The flowers were done by Giuli’s aunt; the photography by Jason’s father and Giuli’s uncle. Our major expense was organic food for the main meal; our friend Janene cooked the appetizers and desserts, an awe-inspiring feat for which we’re still profoundly grateful.
Primarily, our planning revolved around the ceremony itself. Our challenge was to figure out which elements of the traditional Christian ceremony to keep, which to replace, and what to replace those unwanted elements with. Giuli spent many months reading books up on the history of American weddings to find out where each tradition came from. Unsurprisingly, most of what we consider wedding “traditions” date back to about the 1980s. The rest don’t go far beyond the Victorian era. Many customs she originally thought to be anti-feminist were actually rather benign, such as the veil, commonly believed to be left over from the days of bride-as-chattel, but actually meant to be a romantic throwback to the days when women wore veils to every formal event they attended. Jason was less interested in stripping the old than adding the new; additions to the ceremony came largely from Jungian psychology, Arthurian legend, and other influences. Jason broke a glass underfoot to honor Giuli’s Jewish heritage, and the entire bridal party ended up looking like a yin-yang (as one groomsman brilliantly figured out about fifteen minutes into the photo shoot), with bridesmaids in black (the female side), groomsmen in white (the male side), and the bride and groom in the expected colors, with a bit of the opposite color in both their wardrobes. This integrated traditional wedding dress, Taoist symbolism, and the Jungian syzygy into a single surprisingly coherent whole.
Giuli spent the week before the wedding in Poughkeepsie, overseeing and taking care of last-minute preparations. Her mother sprung a surprise shower on her—though it was not a surprise for Jason, who collaborated with Giuli’s mother like a Vichy traitor—which actually turned out to be quite fun. She was calmer than anyone expected her to be, keeping in mind her severe stagefright, but uncharacteristically not worrying about it. The shower helped show her that it wasn’t so bad, being the center of attention, especially as it was just her family members anyway.
Jason, on the other hand, spent the week before the wedding enduring the “trial by fire” that he wrote about. The stress built throughout the week, and the last minute preparations for the wedding did little to help. For Jason, the wedding was a tug-of-war, as he felt pulled between his own methodical, meticulous parents, and Giuli’s laissez faire mother. To his own parents, Jason seemed sloppy and too laid back; to Giuli’s mother, he was far too uptight and demanding. Caught between two opposite extremes, the tension built until, by the day of the wedding, it snapped. He gave up all illusions of control, and spent the last few hours before the ceremony floating in the hotel pool, surrendering the entire affair and leaving it in the hands of the gods.
When he got to the church, it seemed to have turned into a disaster. There had been little rehearsal; everything was being cooked up at the last minute. Compared to the regimented, almost clock-work approach Jason’s family usually took with such things, the scene Jason returned to in the afternoon was nothing short of a catastrophe. A violent thunderstorm was predicted for exactly 4:00, and the “backup plan” of being forced indoors for the ceremony had scarcely even been considered more than 24 hours before; Giuli’s cousin had offered to play music, but neither of us had heard it or knew what he planned to play; the procession had barely been rehearsed; a convoluted, last minute plan for an intricate pattern of door openings and closing was pregnant with disaster—and, oh yeah, the bride was nowhere to be found.
Giuli arrived half an hour before the wedding. Fortunately for Jason, he’d already snapped several hours beforehand, and merely sat in a back parlor, waiting for his cue. Giuli, on the other hand, had been calm all through the engagement process, waiting until the day of the wedding to start worrying about things going wrong. She arrived, still in shorts and t-shirt, to see a church parking lot already filled with cars. Rushing through the doors with dress, veil, and shoes in hand, trying desperately not to be noticed by the guests, she passed an old friend that she hadn’t seen since both were children. “This is the end result of a very long story that I’ll probably find hilariously funny sometime that isn’t now,” she explained as she frantically rushed past.
Giuli almost ripped her dress trying to get it on as fast as she could. Bridesmaids flitted in and out of the dressing rooms performing a bevy of vital last-minute tasks—primarily getting Giuli’s ring off her finger and into Mike’s pocket and getting the glass that Giuli would carry down the aisle into her hands, complete with the sparkling grape juice that would serve as the understudy for actual wine. Giuli drank some water and tried to calm herself down, wondering if all those Knotties had the right idea after all.
A strange kind of serenity settled then. The groomsmen walked down the aisle. The bridesmaids walked down the aisle. Giuli practically ran down the aisle (a possible argument for those awkward bride-steps). Aside from a few flukes, the ceremony went off perfectly. Everyone agreed that Giuli was radiant and Jason looked stately. Outside, the sun shone; the weather waited until the start of the reception to launch the dramatic thunderstorm we’d been promised. We could have had the ceremony outdoors after all.
When the officiant, in her homily, told Jason and Giuli to appreciate the present, neither looking forward in anticipation nor backward in nostalgia, it jarred Giuli out of her nervousness. “This is my wedding,” she thought. “This will only happen once.” For the rest of the night, she was uncharacteristically talkative, even bubbly, feeling free to make a fool of herself on the dance floor, though she almost never danced. The reception was marked by an eclectic collection of songs that only Jason and Giuli could have selected (including a techno version of the Chicken Dance—by the Blue Man Group), performances by Giuli’s mother, aunt, and two uncles, and a beaming bride and groom having the time of their lives.
The night was ended—how else?—with a viewing of Fullmetal Alchemist on Adult Swim back at the hotel room. It was an appropriate—if unconventional—end to an appropriate and very unconventional wedding. It may be a cliché, but that actually was the happiest day of our lives….
* * *
And of course, the heart and soul of any wedding reminiscence post: the photos.
The program includes how we organized the ceremony, and why we did things the way we did. The black marks are expunging all the names printed in the actual programs of people who aren’t already known to the Tubes of the Intarwebs, making this one safe for public consumption.
And finally, since this concludes a major chapter in our lives, a directory of our previous ramblings on the subject of matrimony:
- “The Sanctity of Marriage,” by Giulianna Lamanna
- “What Price a Wedding?” by Giulianna Lamanna
- “Love & Marriage,” by Jason Godesky
- “Entering Merlin’s Domain,” by Jason Godesky
- “Our Conscious Wedding,” the special wedding episode of the podcast, featuring our interview with Sheryl Paul
* * *
This isn’t normally what you would call a “personal” blog. We don’t talk about our private lives. We discuss issues and ideas. So, why have we been spending so much time and energy writing about our wedding? In case you missed it in the earlier articles, this is us “publishing our source code.” We’re trying to create a new tribal culture, and rites of passage are a vital part of any culture. We just went through one, and we’re sharing how we did it. It wasn’t perfect, and it’s not the only way by any means, but it’s an idea. Take it for what it’s worth; adapt it, improve upon it, or ignore it completely. It’s up to you. We offer it here because it was an important moment in the history of our tribe, and we’re not content to just run off into the woods. We want to help others in doing so, and that means sharing our lives so others can benefit from our experience, learn from our mistakes, and improve on our ideas. It’s what an open source New Tribal Revolution is all about.
Hey –
Enjoyed reading about it. Glad it turned out well even with all the commotion. Congratulations!
- Devin
Comment by Devin — 16 August 2006 @ 10:37 AM
Congratulations on the wedding. THank you for outlining you new tribal wedding and how you did it, problems ya’ll had, etc. I have been taking notes for my wedding next year, and a big thank you for the Conscious Wedding podcast. very cool.
Comment by Rory — 16 August 2006 @ 1:56 PM
All of this makes great reading and warms the heart, and helps us readers to understand just where all of you are coming from and going to, so we can put works like the Thirty Theses into perspective. Also, the cultural references and the way you recombined them for the wedding ceremony may turn out to be inspiring to anybody seeking to get rid of old, increasingly meaningless rituals, and to found new ones. For us in Germany this might prove to be harder to accomplish, though, considering the way our ancient heritage was twisted, instrumentalized, and eventually banned to the collective unconscious in the course of the last century. By reading Jason’s essay on Merlin’s domain, I realized just how little I know about this heritage.
On a sidenote, I suppose that the name of Jason’s cousin on page 9 of the program file should be blacked out as well. Anyway, the blackout is not as complete as could be expected given the Peak Oil circumstances: I can still copy the entire text, sans black marks, from the A*****t Reader to the clipboard. If that is a consolation, I recall that some PDF documents published by Federal Agencies over here featured this kind of unintended Full Disclosure as well. They got it fixed eventually.
Comment by Michael K. — 16 August 2006 @ 9:09 PM
Congratulations on the ceremony, and avoiding the sickening excesses of the main stream modern wedding, but is “new tribalism” really just changing the colours of the wedding costumes and serving “organic” food while still revelling in the “brand new car!”?
Shouldnt you have had the guests gathering their own nutritious cup of dandelion leaves? What am I missing here?
Comment by Shane — 17 August 2006 @ 3:00 AM
Not if you want anyone to actually attend.
Comment by Mike Godesky — 17 August 2006 @ 10:09 AM
Shane—One of my biggest struggles has been with purism. Some people think if you can’t do it perfectly on the first try, then it’s not worth doing at all. I can understand that; I used to be one of those people. What I learned is that forward movement is forward movement, and a step in the right direction is a step in the right direction. It may not be enough all on its own, but it’s a start. Was this wedding perfectly primitive? No. Compromises had to be made. I wanted the main course to be a deer I’d hunted myself, but it was out of season, and I’m only learning to hunt now, so it wasn’t going to happen. We compromised. It’s true that “a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step”; it’s also true that unless you make a second step, and a third, you’re not making it that thousand miles. This is a first step, a step forward. It’s not the destination all on its own, but it’s still a step forward.
We’re not standing still, either. We’re not stopping with this. The reason we’re so excited with the car is because it’s a means to an end. We considered going carless, and we could have done it—I walk to work every day, we walk to the grocery store, etc.—except that walking to the forest is rather prohibitive for a weekend jaunt. We’re behind schedule this year because we didn’t have a car to take us into the woods. So, yes, we’re revelling—not so much in the brand new car itself as what it represents: our ability to get out of the city. It’s not the destination by any means, but it’s a step in the right direction.
Comment by Jason Godesky — 17 August 2006 @ 11:26 AM
Not to mention that the old car, in addition to being a broken-down deathtrap, was also an SUV. The Civic gets much better mileage.
In any case, getting back to Shane’s original concern… not everything about primitive life is hunting and gathering. We’ve all seen the calculation that the !Kung spend only two hours a day - or less - acquiring food. So what do they do with the rest of that time? Mainly, tell stories to each other. Dance. Sing. Play games.
None of the stories, songs, games, and rituals we as westerners are familiar with stem from a primitive mindset. They’re all about domination and competition and destruction (or else they take those elements as a given). To live like a forager is not simply to forage; it’s to get yourself back in touch with the mindset you need to live in an egalitarian community. To do this, we must seriously consider our rituals and symbols and what they represent. Rites of passage play a vital role in any healthy community. And usually, they have absolutely nothing to do with dandelions.
I’ve oft-quoted this Tamarack Song article (itself quoted for us by Janene, who got it from Arkface who quoted it for IshCon) because it says it all so succinctly and so well, so here it is again:
In My 2.8 Slaves, I discussed how my fear of social interaction cripples me, even at gatherings where most people claim they felt freer and more open than they ever had. hen I remembered to stay in the moment at my wedding, and danced like no one was watching, and stopped caring about what other people thought of me - even for that one night - I came closer to freeing myself from civilization than I ever had at any edible wild plants course. Restricting your food only to what farmers grow is only one way in which civilization shackles us. Its most effective bonds are the ones that penetrate our minds. Some people have a problem with arrogance, others with short-sightedness, others with fear (like me). And learning to live without these mental blocks is far more important - as evidenced by the fact that it’s also far more difficult - than learning how to live without farms.
Comment by Giulianna Lamanna — 17 August 2006 @ 12:03 PM
For evidence of this, one need only look at the destruction wrought by a game of Pat-a-Cake.
And man, don’t even get me started on Chess.
Comment by Mike Godesky — 17 August 2006 @ 2:28 PM
Not all of our cultural artifacts are about domination (though chess is quite competitive, and was developed as a game of strategy based on concepts of waging civilized warfare, so that’s a pretty bad example), competition and destruction … but a lot of them are. And it’s often very subtle. See, for instance, the use of soccer to promote nationalism1, 2, 3 or the use of soccer to instill the worldview of a competitive, zero-sum dichotomy of winners and losers in traditional cultures by Christian missionaries. Soccer did more to instill the bigotry and competition of our Western world than the gospel or capitalism ever did. These things are subtle, and because they are subtle, they are extremely powerful. Other examples I’ve written about before are Google and writing.
Absolutism is uncalled for here; even our culture has a few scattered cultural remains that are innocent. However, the things that continue to trap us in a civilized mindset—that domesticate us—are extremely subtle, and often appear innocent at first blush. There is a great deal in the traditional wedding ceremony that is rightfully disgusting, and we excluded those things from our ceremony. We tried to add new things that had positive meaning for us in their place, but we cannot simply assume that the traditions and rituals of our broken culture are workable. They are, for the most part, not; and they are the things that will ultimately defeat us, even if we do have the skills to survive without farms.
I’d also like to point out that these are not mutually exclusive projects; they are, in fact, deeply complementary. Gathering wild edibles will help you think of the world in terms of patterns, and thinking of the world in terms of patterns will help you gather wild edibles. Both projects can be—and really, must be—pursued in tandem, simultaneously.
Comment by Jason Godesky — 17 August 2006 @ 2:43 PM
“Gathering wild edibles” was, of course, being used as a short-hand. The praxis of primitive skills—gathering and preparing wild edibles, making tools, hunting, and so forth—is deeply complementary with the primitivist ideal of “rewilding,” not just in the pragmatic sense, but also in the sense of our attitudes, beliefs, and relationships. In fact, they cannot be separated; primitive skills without full rewilding is a mere hobby, and attention to the mental aspects of domestication without addressing its physical basis is an assurance of cognitive dissonance. Hypocrisy is the No Man’s Land we have to cross from where we are, to where we want to be.
Comment by Jason Godesky — 17 August 2006 @ 4:51 PM